Bittersweet

Well today my beautiful grandmother turned 81 years old today. She is such a beautiful woman and I would love to be half the woman that she is today. She has accepted me for who I am and has never told me anything that has steered me wrong.. 

However.. She has had conversations with her best friend, my mother, her hair dresser and even her neighbors asking them when I am going to have some children because I am getting old.. Well damn! I know that I'll be 28 in two months and the fact that my mother was married at 24 and had me at 26 isn't looking good for my case!! But on the other hand, I haven't found ANYONE that I wanted to have kids with. Now, I am not throwing shade at any of my exes.. They all have good qualities, just not father material. I don't want to have a child with someone who has to grow along with a baby.. That's not cool to me. But I really do want children, I just don't want to be a single parent, because my mother was (due to circumstances beyond our control). My mother did an amazing job raising me, by just accepting me means the most to me, but at the same time I can see how hard things were for her, which is why I was a relatively good child. I didn't act crazy, get pregnant at 16 or drop out of college........ But when my grandmother told my mother that she really wanted some great-grandkids while she was still alive really hurt me and made me open my eyes. I have such a supportive family and extended family, that even if I went out & got pregnant tomorrow I would be okay. But something is holding me back.. I don't know if it's my own fear or not. But I do want kids.. I was even thinking about IVF In vitro fertilization because I don't know anyone that I can see being connected to for LIFE with a child involved. My mother told me that if I didn't have a child by age 30, she would be open to me doing it in the IVF way and she would help with everything. Hmm.. That's a possibility. But I am keeping hope alive like Jesse Jackson.

I really do want to have a child, I just want to do it right (I'm not a control freak or anything). Like the old childhood rhyme goes "Chimere & ___ sitting in a tree.. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.. First comes love, then comes marriage then comes the baby in a baby carriage". This is old fashioned, but I am old fashioned too, which I've realized recently.  I love dinner & a movie... I love going to an art gallery & a picnic on the grass... I love an after the date kiss!!... But people have become so non-traditional in the way they live their life,  that the simple things don't come before them anymore... Ho Hum

Well. I'm still doing the Tagged thing... And some people have had jobs, cars & no kids.. So we shall see. I'm giving it another chance and being more open minded (see previous posts) into men of Baltimore.. We shall see!!

But anyways.. Happy Birthday Mama! I love you!! 81 years young!! ;)

Mere ;)